Why I'm Spiritual

OK, so I'm an atheist, not a willing one (see last post), but one none the less. But why/how am I still spiritual?  I think its because I'm thankful. I appreciate what I have and take time to be aware of how "blessed" I am. Rather than focusing on what I don't have or haven't achieved, I focus on all I do have. This awareness of the greater world -- especially the natural world -- is a spiritual experience for me.
  We have had a family ritual since Jeannie was born:  at family meals we each say what we're grateful for that day. Its a simple way to focus on what went well during the day and gives us a way to recognize how important we are to each other.
  But my appreciation of my life extends back to my college days. I think therapy has helped a great deal to see what's good in the world, as did my faith at the time. Having breast cancer was a challenge to me, but in a way perhaps different from others' experiences. I went through the "why me?" phase, and all the fear of death, discomfort and exhaustion of treatment, but one thing I really hated was the assumption that going through that experience would "make me a better person" and make me "appreciate my life more." One of my vows once I was diagnosed with cancer was that it wouldn't make me a better person. What I meant was that I already appreciated what I had, I didn't need a life-threatening illness to do that. I truly disliked the assumption that somehow I wasn't really aware of and appreciative of what I had before and that I somehow needed the cancer to make me "a better person."
  Well, I think I succeeded magnificently! I am still a human being with many faults, short-comings, and prickly parts, but I am also aware of my strengths and the beautiful world I live in and all the amazing people, experiences, and things I have in my life.

The Pain of Disjoints in Life

I got an email from Yale Divinity School about a conference they are giving on religious communities and ecological action. I also watched the Yale Admissions Video on YouTube that's gotten a lot of buzz.

Last summer we had dinner with God who is now retired from teaching ethics at Yale. (She, of course, denies being God, but those of use who studied with her know she is!!) We also visited the renovated divinity school campus and found my graduation picture hanging with all the other graduates of the school going back to the 1880's.

I think one of my biggest struggles with being an aethist is that I never wanted to be one. I wanted to be part of that big, warm, certain, hopeful Christian community that has inner peace and divine direction. And I'm realizing that another loss is that of continuity. So much of my younger life was centered on the Church and Christianity: I was active in Sunday School and youth group as a kid and teen; I was the Chaplain's assistant in college, my senior project was about St. Catherine of Sienna (and I do remember a lot of her theology), I joined the Lutheran Volunteer Corps after college (that's how I got to DC), and then in a last-gasp attempt to hang onto my faith, I went to Yale Divinity School, which I loved.

       One of my best friends is a Lutheran pastor. We met at Yale and her life has continued on that seamless track of studying theology and applying it. Despite converting from Methodist to Lutheran she has stayed "within the fold" of Christianity. I, however, have fallen away and while atheism is congruent with my thoughts, feelings and beliefs than trying to make myself believe there's a god, there is also loss and discontinuity with my past that is painful: as much as I want to believe, in my heart and mind, I know that I don't. How do I reconcile that I think my Yale advisor is god with my disbelief? Its a difficult paradox to live.

I hate cancer!

Happy New Year! But is it??? I got some bad news on New Year's Day thanks to Google: breast cancer survivors who drink 3 alcoholic beveridges as week have a 30% higher rate of recurrence than survivors who don't drink. There goes wine with dinner and a way to relax after getting arrested and killed at work -- an occupational hazard of play therapy.

My birthday is Jan. 2 and it was nice, but its also the birthday of a friend of mine who died of breast cancer and is buried very near my house -- a hazard of living near a cemetary; quiet neighbors but continual reminders of our mortality.

Then, one of my best, best friends sent me a jacket for my birthday -- its beautiful and warm, but my first reaction was one of relief. I hadn't heard from her for awhile and my first thought was that her breast cancer had recurred -- she's a survivor too.

So all this leads to the profound statement: I HATE CANCER!!!

It is also upsetting that its been 6 years since my diagnosis and I'm still dealing with it on a daily basis -- mostly because I see myself in the mirror. And I need more surgery according to my plastic surgeon. And I am still on tamoxifen every day. And my implants bother me, especially when I slouch, which hasn't even improved my posture!

Sorry for a whiny post, but life sucks, it's just better than the alternative!