Last summer we had dinner with God who is now retired from teaching ethics at Yale. (She, of course, denies being God, but those of use who studied with her know she is!!) We also visited the renovated divinity school campus and found my graduation picture hanging with all the other graduates of the school going back to the 1880's.
I think one of my biggest struggles with being an aethist is that I never wanted to be one. I wanted to be part of that big, warm, certain, hopeful Christian community that has inner peace and divine direction. And I'm realizing that another loss is that of continuity. So much of my younger life was centered on the Church and Christianity: I was active in Sunday School and youth group as a kid and teen; I was the Chaplain's assistant in college, my senior project was about St. Catherine of Sienna (and I do remember a lot of her theology), I joined the Lutheran Volunteer Corps after college (that's how I got to DC), and then in a last-gasp attempt to hang onto my faith, I went to Yale Divinity School, which I loved.
One of my best friends is a Lutheran pastor. We met at Yale and her life has continued on that seamless track of studying theology and applying it. Despite converting from Methodist to Lutheran she has stayed "within the fold" of Christianity. I, however, have fallen away and while atheism is congruent with my thoughts, feelings and beliefs than trying to make myself believe there's a god, there is also loss and discontinuity with my past that is painful: as much as I want to believe, in my heart and mind, I know that I don't. How do I reconcile that I think my Yale advisor is god with my disbelief? Its a difficult paradox to live.
